Jealousy

How to help a jealous child settle at bedtime

Simple ways help your child feel calmer and more secure

Written by Becky Goddard-Hill, BACP-registered psychotherapist

Jealousy can arise when a child feels that things are unfair, and it is often accompanied by feelings of sadness, anger and frustration. For a child, jealousy can be a very big and all-consuming feeling, and most children will need some support to understand and manage it.

They might feel jealous because a friend is having a sleepover, their neighbour has a toy they wanted, or there is a new baby in the family. Behind all of these situations there may be a very simple feeling: “It's not fair. What about me?”

Trying to settle a child to sleep when they are caught up in feelings of jealousy can be difficult. The feelings may continue to overwhelm them if they don't feel heard and understood.

Does tonight sound like this?

Children's emotions aren't always expressed clearly in words. Sometimes a big feeling comes out through repeated phrases that sound like complaints.

Your child might say:

  • “It's not fair.” “They got more.” “Nobody loves me as much.”

    The not-fair feeling

    Rather than focusing only on the behaviour, it can help to pause and notice the feeling underneath it. Your child may be feeling that life isn't fair, that they've missed out, or that they aren't as important or loved as they need to feel in that moment.

Why jealousy shows up at bedtime

Your child's ability to reason, see another perspective and manage their emotions is still developing. When they are tired or overwhelmed, it can be even harder for them to access these skills, which is one reason jealousy can show up more strongly at bedtime.

Bedtime is also often quiet, one-to-one time. The distractions of the day have gone, and there is finally space to talk about what has been bothering them. Sometimes feelings that have been tucked away during the day come to the surface when they are settling down for sleep.

At 2–3, it might look like tears and tantrums. At 4–5, you might see delaying tactics, demands and arguments. At 5–6, it can sound like whining or sulking, lots of why questions, and the same complaint repeated several times.

What helps tonight

  1. Validate their feelings

    Validating your child's feelings is important. This doesn't mean agreeing with them or giving them what they want; it means letting them know that you hear them and understand how they feel. You don't have to fix the situation or make everything fair. Sometimes, helping your child feel heard, understood and reassured is enough.

    You could say: “It feels really unfair when someone else gets something you really wanted. I can see why you're upset.”

  2. Help them make sense of the situation

    Your child may well need your help to make sense of something that feels unfair. Offering a simple explanation can help.

    You could say: “Your sister gets to stay up later because she is 10. Your body is still growing, and four-year-olds need lots more sleep than ten-year-olds.”

  3. Remind them of what they do have, and that they are special

    When children are caught up in what they don't have, they may need help noticing what they do.

    You could say: “I know the new baby is taking up lots of Mummy's time. That can feel hard. But it means I get to put you to bed more often — and I love that special time with you.”

    Acknowledge the difficult feeling first, and then gently help them notice that there are still good things in their world too.

Where this comes from. Research linking secure attachment with the reduced impact of jealousy — International Journal of Behavioral Development.

People also ask

Why is my child suddenly upset about their sibling at bedtime?

Because siblings are often treated differently at bedtime. One may get to stay up later, or get more of Mum's attention, and this can make a child feel less important or that they are missing out.

What do I say when my child says “you love them more”?

Remind them of all the things that make them special to you, use their special nickname, and tell them all the things you love about them. They need to know that they are loved for exactly who they are — not in comparison to anyone else. A special way of saying goodnight, reserved just for them, can help too.

You could say: “There is nobody else in the world like you. I love you for being you, and nothing will ever change that.”

Why does my child express their jealousy at bedtime?

Because a tired child is often more emotional, and by bedtime the distractions of the day have gone. They also have you all to themselves, which can give them the opportunity to let their feelings out safely.

What if I can't fix the thing my child is jealous about?

You can only control what you can control. If little Rosie hasn't invited your child to her party, you can't change that. You might explain that Rosie's parents may be having a very small party and can only invite a few children. You can also help your child look towards something they can enjoy — perhaps a fabulous family picnic on the same day.

How can I stop my child dwelling on their jealousy?

By showing your child that you have heard and understood their feelings, you can help them feel safe enough to move forward.

You could say: “I know you're disappointed that you weren't invited. I've heard you. Let's have our cuddle and then choose which story we're going to listen to.”

Their bedtime routine will help them feel secure and bring them comfort and connection. While jealousy is an entirely normal and natural emotion, the more secure and attached a child feels, the less they are likely to be affected by it.

Written for Zeepy by Becky Goddard-Hill, BACP-registered psychotherapist.This page is general guidance, not a substitute for advice about your own child.