If you are feeling burnt out at bedtime, do not take this as a sign that you are a failure or that you are letting your child down. You are simply human.
Parenting can be exhausting. It is entirely natural and completely normal to have evenings where you feel you have nothing left to give. Take a deep breath. You are not alone with this, and it's not your fault.
Does tonight sound like this?
Your child won't understand if you say you are burnt out, but telling them “Mummy is sleepy tonight” or “Daddy is tired — let's watch a film instead of playing a game” will make sense. It is always okay to look after yourself and rest, and to let your child know you are doing so.
Why burnout shows up at bedtime
Burnout is an ongoing state of feeling overwhelmed, fatigued and emotionally drained.
It's normal for burnout to show up at bedtime because, at the end of a long day, you will naturally crave rest and your energy will be depleted. The process of putting your child to bed can feel like another chore on top of a day of exhaustion — one more thing you could really do without.
A two or three year old may be clinging to you when all you want is to put them down. A four or five year old may be using delaying tactics when you just want them in bed, now. And a five or six year old might be talking incessantly when all you need is some quiet.
It can all feel like just too much.
What helps tonight
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If you can, delegate bedtime and give yourself an early night
There is nothing wrong with asking for help and sharing the load. Even if not doing the bedtime routine yourself isn't your child's or your partner's preference, it matters greatly that you take care of yourself too.
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Have a check-in with yourself
Feelings are a great source of information, even the unwelcome ones, and feeling burnt out may be telling you something important. Have you been filling your own cup? Are you getting enough sleep, eating well, getting enough daylight and exercise, and making time to socialise?
You can't run on empty. If you're feeling burnt out, it may be a sign to pause and look at what you need to support yourself.
For tonight, spend a few minutes taking some deep breaths, make sure you are hydrated, and ground yourself in the moment. Sleep spray, a song, low lighting and a cuddle blanket will soothe your senses as well as your child's.
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If you're solo parenting, let your routine carry the load
Go through the motions and keep things as simple as possible. If you need to skip the book you usually read, add an extra audiobook instead. You don't have to do bedtime perfectly — sometimes getting through the routine is enough.
Where this comes from. When researchers at the University of Bath asked 3,000 parents about 21 different “mental load” tasks — the remembering, planning and organising that never looks like a chore — mothers reported being mostly responsible for 71% of them. A more even division of that load is one of the things that protects against parental burnout — Do mothers do more of the mental load?, University of Bath.