Starting School For The First Time: Big Feelings And Bedtime Worries

For us, it actually started the summer before.

At the time, we were baffled. Pulling our hair out, trying to figure out where our happy-go-lucky, well-behaved four-year-old had gone. Replaced with a tiny terror, an emotional vampire, sucking the life out of every activity we did that summer.

Out of the blue, she was moodier. Quick to talk back. Prone to full-blown meltdowns when any small thing didn’t go her way. For the first time, she was truly defiant. Like, staring you dead in the eye as she threw her sandal out the car window levels of defiant.

What had happened to our little girl? What had become of all that time we’d invested into teaching her how to listen and calm down and play nicely?

Then bedtime would arrive and make us long for the chaos of daytime. Whereas days were loud and confrontational, bedtime was emotional. At bedtime, the bravado disappeared, and the tears flowed. Often over what seemed like nothing. Her fifth-favourite stuffie being left at Grandma’s. The lid of her water bottle breaking. Her sister singing the lyrics of “Baby Shark” slightly wrong.

Three years later, after watching her grow in confidence and speaking with other parents who’ve described similar experiences, I can see what we couldn’t see then.

Clearly, that summer, she was working out how to feel about it. And as is so often the case, those big feelings had a habit of coming out at bedtime.

When she finally started school, things didn’t magically improve overnight. The bedtime tears continued. Some evenings she’d tell us she was worried about school the next day. Other evenings she’d insist she wasn’t worried at all.

Then, gradually, things began to settle.

She found her feet, made friends, and school (mostly) became a source of joy rather than worry.

Looking back now, I wish I’d understood what her behaviour was really trying to tell us. If you’re navigating a similar transition with your own child, I hope some of the lessons we learned the hard way help make those first few weeks feel a little less bewildering.

Why it all comes out at bedtime

One of the biggest lessons this experience taught us is that children don’t always tell us that they’re anxious. More often than not, they show us.

Whereas an adult might be able to articulate it, saying something like, “I’m nervous about tomorrow,” a young child likely doesn’t have the vocabulary or even the self-awareness to speak their feelings so plainly.

Instead, those feelings leak out in their behaviours. For example, refusing to get in the bath may be less about the bath itself and more about trying to regain a little control at a time when so much of life suddenly feels outside their control. Asking for one more story before bedtime may not really be about the story at all. It may simply be their way of saying, “I’m not quite ready to be away from you yet”.

When you’re trying to make sense of these behaviours, keep in mind that:

In the moment, their behaviours can feel irrational. But when you take a step back and consider everything they’ve been trying to work through, it starts to make perfect sense.

How to make bedtime a safe landing

Although you can’t completely eliminate or “fix” your child’s anxiety over starting school, you can help ensure they feel safe and supported as they work through it. One way is to make bedtime a part of the day they can rely on as a safe landing.

Here’s what we’ve found helps.

• Prioritise time for connection before sleep. Even ten minutes of uninterrupted attention before bed can make a real difference. Read a story, have a cuddle, or simply chat about their day. Children often need connection before they can find calm.
• Make space for feelings without opening the floodgates. If your child says they’re worried, resist the urge to jump straight into problem-solving. Often, simply having the space to say the worry out loud, and knowing you have listened, is enough to help it feel a little smaller. Try responding with a simple, “That sounds like a really big feeling,” or, “Thank you for telling me.” You may be surprised how often that’s all they need before they’re ready to move on.
• Keep the routine consistent and predictable. At a time when their world feels new, a familiar bedtime sequence offers the reassurance children crave. Keep it simple: bath, pyjamas, story, cuddle, lights out. Remember, the consistency and the sequence matter more than the exact length or timings of each step.
• Leave something warm behind when you go. Whether it’s a favourite teddy, a blanket, or another comforting toy, giving your child something to cuddle after you leave the room provides a reassuring reminder that they’re safe, secure, and loved, even when you’re no longer right beside them.
• Use familiar bedtime cues. A sleep training clock, like Zeepy’s Kip, can become another reassuring part of the routine. A light that changes the same way every evening quietly reinforces that, although school may feel uncertain, bedtime at home stays comfortingly predictable.

The conversations that happen at bedtime

Some of the most important conversations I’ve had with my children have happened after I’ve already said goodnight. Just as I’m about to leave the room, a small voice calls out — “Mum?” — followed by a question that leads to a much deeper conversation than I was expecting. Sometimes it’s a simple question about school tomorrow. Other times it’s something they’ve been quietly carrying around all day.

Sometimes it’s about school. Sometimes it’s about friendships. Sometimes it’s about something random that happened months ago and has only now bubbled to the surface.

There’s a temptation to give them one more hug and promise to talk about it in the morning. But I’ve found that spending an extra five minutes to answer their questions (briefly, without waffling on) in the moment can actually help bedtime finish sooner, not later. Feeling heard often helps children settle. More often than not, after a short discussion, they’re rolling over and snoring away within minutes.

I’ve also learned (sometimes the hard way) that there is a difference between listening and escalating. It’s easy to accidentally make a worry bigger by asking too many follow-up questions or trying to solve every part of the problem there and then. I’ve found that simple one-liners, like “That sounds really hard,” or “I can understand why you felt that way,” are usually enough.

For our family, we’ve found the Zeepy bedtime stories podcast to be a helpful way of moving on after an emotional conversation. It’s a calming, reassuring way to quiet the mind and drift off after letting go of some of the worries that have built up throughout the day.

It does get easier

If I could go back to that summer and tell myself one thing, it would be this: this child isn’t being willfully defiant; she’s going through something hard. The tantrums, the backtalk, the bedtime emotions—they’re all part of her trying to make sense of one of the biggest changes she’s ever experienced.

These days, bedtime in our house looks much different. The little girl who once cried over forgotten stuffies and broken water bottles now looks forward to hopping on her bike and cycling to school each morning. Sure, wobbles still come out at night. School will always be full of friendships to navigate, disappointments to process, and new challenges to overcome. But she’s grown, developed skills for communicating her needs, and figured out new ways to cope with the big feelings that once seemed so overwhelming.

If you’d like a little extra support while your family settles into its new routine, Zeepy’s sleep training clocks and bedtime stories are designed to bring a little more predictability, comfort and calm to the end of even the biggest days.

Not perfect nights. Just steadier ones.