A child may experience loss in a number of ways. A beloved cat may have gone missing, their best friend may move away, or perhaps their grandad has died. Whatever the loss, their feelings about it may be huge and need to be heard and held.
When your child is feeling sad because someone or something they love is gone, there's a strong chance you are grieving too. Being able to support them while you are struggling yourself can feel very hard. Above all else, be gentle with yourself and make sure you have the time, space and support you need to deeply feel your feelings too.
Children are unused to loss, and the shock as well as the sadness can make them feel extremely insecure and in need of increased levels of reassurance and comfort, especially at bedtime.
Does tonight sound like this?
So many feelings can lie behind your child's words about their loss, and grief may show up in their behaviour too. Tonight might sound and look like this:
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"I miss them."
The sad feelingTearful and clingy. The sadness can feel overwhelming, and your child may need comfort and connection. You can't change their loss, but you can dial up the love.
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"I wish someone was here."
The missing-someone feelingThe feeling of missing someone can be especially strong when that person brought them joy. Acknowledge this rather than trying to move on quickly, however hard it is to hear.
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"Everything seems hard."
The heavy feelingThe heavy feeling that comes with loss can make everything feel harder for your child, including normal everyday tasks and expectations.
Why loss shows up at bedtime
Children often feel more vulnerable and emotional at night because they are tired and separating from their usual source of comfort and safety — you. This can make sadness, worry and the need for reassurance feel much bigger. Without the distractions of the day to occupy them, thoughts about their loss that may have been bubbling beneath the surface can begin to resurface.
At 2–3, this may look like tears and clinginess.
At 4–5, it may look like endless questions, seeking reassurance and prolonging settling. There may be regression to younger behaviours such as bedwetting and thumb sucking.
At 5–6, it may look like talking more specifically about their loss, asking questions about what has happened or expressing worries about who else they might lose.
What helps tonight
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Listen to your child's questions and try to answer them as clearly and honestly as is appropriate. Children can receive lots of mixed messages about death and loss and may become very confused, so simple, truthful answers can help them understand what has happened.
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Help your child focus not just on the loss, but on the life of the person or pet they have lost. Their sadness reflects how much they loved them, and sharing happy memories together can bring comfort.
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Don't rush this or expect that, because you have talked about it over several nights, your child is now 'done' with their grief. Grief is not linear and can be triggered by all sorts of things. Your child needs your patience, understanding and time. And probably an extra big cuddle.