Children can often feel lonely at bedtime. It may be the first quiet time of the day when they have been alone, and it can feel daunting. Little moments of connection before they rest can help them feel more secure — whether that is time chatting, having a cuddle, or perhaps reading together.
Perhaps your child has been feeling lonely during the day too? Big feelings often surface at the end of the day when there are no distractions. It is important to let your child know all feelings are okay, and that you hear them and take them seriously. Help them look forward to the next day and plan in bonding time with others — perhaps a playdate with a neighbour or a phone call with Grandad. A focus on the connections they do have will help them regain perspective and can be reassuring.
Does tonight sound like this?
Often children won't directly say, “I'm lonely” or “I'm feeling unimportant.” Instead, their feelings may show through the questions they ask and the details they share about their day.
Your child might say:
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“Am I your favourite?”
The nobody-sees-me feelingComing to the surface, seeking reassurance through questioning that they are special and important.
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“Nobody wanted to play today.”
The no-one-likes-me feelingThis may be strong as a result, and your child may appear withdrawn and tearful.
Why loneliness shows up at bedtime
Big feelings and suppressed feelings often come out at bedtime, when your child is both tired and less distracted. They also have your undivided attention for a while, and so feelings will often spill out when all those conditions are combined.
It's normal for young children to feel a sense of loneliness at bedtime as they separate from their grown-up and siblings and prepare to spend time on their own. They may try to prolong the bedtime connection to ward this off.
At 2–3, communication is often through behaviour, so this may look like tears or tantrums. At 4–5, it might look like requests for one more story or one more wee. At 5–6, it may surface as bedtime delaying tactics, wanting to talk to you all about their day, or calling you back once you have left.
What helps tonight
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Really listen to your child. If they know you have heard how they feel, they won't need to keep telling or showing you in different ways. You don't need to fix it immediately — simply telling you how they feel will help them feel less alone.
You could say: “It sounds like it's been a tough day, and you've felt lonely at school,” then offer a hug.
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Take some time to chat over with your child some of the moments during the day you have enjoyed spending with them, and what you appreciate about them. This will make them feel seen and valued, as well as reinforce your bond.
You could say: “I loved walking you to school this morning and playing I-Spy. You were amazing!”
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Leave your child listening to an audiobook. If they are feeling lonely, one they have listened to before can be particularly comforting. Hearing a calm, familiar voice will help them feel less alone, and lovely characters in a story can feel like revisiting old friends.
Where this comes from. Self-determination theory defines the need to feel connected to and cared for by others as one of our fundamental psychological needs — American Psychological Association.
