Hard days

Bedtime after a difficult day

Tips to help your child settle when they are still upset

Written by Becky Goddard-Hill, BACP-registered psychotherapist

Whatever has spoilt your child's day might come to the fore at bedtime, and it can be hard for them to move past it and settle down.

It is important for you to be calm, confident and reassuring in the face of their whirling emotions, so they feel more secure and steady. Emotions can be contagious, and they will take their cue from you.

It is true that the more you dwell, the more your problems swell — so while they may need time and space to talk over what is wrong, it is important for this to be contained, so it doesn't become bigger and bigger in their mind. A familiar bedtime routine will help anchor them and guide them to relax.

Does tonight sound like this?

Children don't always have the language to explain how they feel, so their feelings may be expressed in their behaviour or in their body language. It is important to look beyond their words.

Your child might say:

  • “Something went wrong.”

    The heavy feeling

    Being troubled about something can feel like a weight that is hard to put down.

  • “I'm sad I lost the race.”

    The sad feeling

    Tearful and clingy. This will make them feel emotionally wobbly and in need of reassurance.

  • “I didn't get picked.”

    The disappointed feeling

    They are upset about what happened, and the feeling has lingered.

Why a hard day shows up at bedtime

Hard days don't just go away because the lights go dim. In fact, that's often when they are processed, and bottled-up feelings come tumbling out. A tired child will often be a more emotional child, so things can feel worse to them at bedtime.

At 2–3, this can look like tears and clinginess, indicating overwhelming emotions and a need for comfort. At 4–5, it might look like lots of questions for reassurance and to understand what went wrong. By 5–6, it might sound like worries about the consequences of what happened, and repeatedly calling you back to talk about it more.

The words and behaviours may be different, but the feelings underneath are the same.

What helps tonight

  1. Stick to your usual routine. For a child who has had a hard day and is upset, the familiarity of a routine will be stabilising, soothing and reassuring.

  2. Acknowledge how upset they are and that the day has been tough. Give them space and time to talk, but keep it short. Let them hear back that you have understood what happened and how they feel. An understood child doesn't feel they need to keep showing or telling you how upset they are.

  3. Help them find some balance. Once they have talked over what went wrong, gently encourage them to think about the parts of their day that went well too. This can help stop them catastrophising and gently lift their mood.

Where this comes from. Progressive muscle relaxation is a simple, proven way to reduce stress and physically relax a child's mind and body — A Quick Way to Help Your Child Master Stress, Psychology Today.

People also ask

Why does my child always talk about their problems at bedtime?

At bedtime, children have your undivided attention, privacy and fewer distractions. It can feel like the perfect opportunity to talk about their problems.

However, trying to settle to sleep after talking about something difficult is not ideal. If possible, make time earlier in the evening for your child to talk about their hard day. You will have more energy to support them, and they are likely to be less tired and emotional.

How do I help my child calm down after a hard day?

Encouraging your child to name their feelings can help them feel calmer. Putting feelings into words helps them make sense of what has happened and can reduce the intensity of their emotional response, making it easier for them to think more clearly.

How can I help my tense child relax at bedtime?

Try progressive muscle relaxation. Starting at their toes and working upwards, ask your child to tighten each muscle by scrunching it up for a count of three, then relaxing it. Have them work up their body from their toes to their legs, tummy, shoulders, hands and face. By the end, their whole body should feel relaxed.

Should I let my child talk about a bad day at bedtime?

If something comes up at bedtime, do give them a chance to talk. If your child has something weighing heavily on their mind, blocking them from sharing it may make them feel unsupported.

Let them know you are listening and understand, but do keep this short. Once they feel heard, gently help them put the problem to one side until tomorrow, when you can work on making things better together. Now they can settle to sleep.

How do I help my child when they keep focusing on what went wrong?

When children are upset, it can be hard for them to see the bigger picture. Listen to what has upset them first, but then encourage them to think about the things that went well too. This can help them feel calmer and see that one difficult moment doesn't mean the whole day was a disaster.

Written for Zeepy by Becky Goddard-Hill, BACP-registered psychotherapist.This page is general guidance, not a substitute for advice about your own child.