Routine and familiar things help children feel safe and secure, so even positive changes can feel unsettling.
There might be a new baby in the family, their parents may have separated, or they may have simply moved bedrooms. Changes don't have to be big or difficult to upset a child. As parents, it's important to remember that something you can take in your stride may feel much bigger to a young child. They have less experience of change and are still learning how to adapt to it.
Constancy through disruption can be key to helping your child cope. Keeping bedtime routines and timings as familiar as possible, even though this may be tricky for parents, will help them feel more secure. Familiar, comforting stories, an evening bath, a cuddle — whatever you usually do as part of your child's wind-down time — will help them feel comforted and safe in the face of change.
Does tonight sound like this?
Your child may have questions about change, and a longing for the familiarity of how things used to be. This might sound like…
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“I liked it how it was.” “Why has it changed?”
The something's-different feelingThis can make a child feel unsettled and slightly insecure. Change is inevitable in life, but it doesn't stop them yearning for the solidity and security of how things used to be.
Why change shows up at bedtime
Bedtime is usually a place where worries get aired: the world is calm and still, and there is nothing to distract a child from their thoughts. That one-to-one settling time also provides them with undivided attention and a chance to talk through the changes affecting them.
If bedtime itself has been affected by changes — a new sibling, a new house, a new routine — it is entirely normal for a child to find adapting tricky. Being mindful of this as a parent is important, so you meet their struggle with patience and calm reassurance.
At 2–3, this might look like tears and clinging onto you, their safe place. At 4–5, it might look like procrastination, holding onto their time with you as much as possible. At 5–6, it might look like complaints and questions about the change.
What helps tonight
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As a parent, you may also feel stressed and frazzled by changes in your own life. Take a moment to have a warm drink and do some deep breathing before settling your child. The calmer and more confident you are, the more secure they are likely to feel. You are their role model and ‘secure base’ — if you are stable and consistent, any change is easier for them to manage. Reassurance matters.
You could say: “We can handle this change. It's all going to be okay.”
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Listen to your child's concerns and let them know you have heard them. You don't need to fix anything tonight or have a long discussion. Help shift their mood and perspective by gently pointing out some of the positive things that change may bring.
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Keep the familiar parts of bedtime as consistent as possible — the same order, brushing their teeth, getting into their PJs, familiar cuddly toys, books and bedding. These familiar things can act as an anchor during times of change.
You could say: “Let's get ready for bed just as we always do,” reminding them that some things haven't changed.
Where this comes from. The idea of a responsive, consistent primary caregiver as a ‘secure base’ from which a child can explore the world and cope with change comes from Bowlby's attachment theory — Building resilient kids: the secure base.