School worries

Supporting your child with school worries at bedtime

Tips to help them feel calmer and more confident

Written by Becky Goddard-Hill, BACP-registered psychotherapist

School can bring with it a host of worries that young children have to deal with away from you, their trusted adult. This is why, come quiet one-to-one time at bedtime, they may feel the need to tell you all about it.

Perhaps they were told off that day, and it feels huge to them, and they are scared it might happen again. Perhaps they had no one to play with at break time, or they didn't understand their phonics lesson. Young children sometimes struggle to keep things in perspective, so what can sound small or ordinary to you might feel like a huge disaster to them.

Time to talk over their worry, and support to put it into perspective and park it for the night, is essential to help them feel safe, secure and ready for sleep.

Does tonight sound like this?

While children may not communicate their school troubles directly, their body sensations and words will often hint at the feeling beneath.

Your child might say:

  • “What if something goes wrong?” “My tummy feels funny.”

    The wobbly feeling

    This shows up when children start school for the first time, go back after a break, or sometimes even just after the weekend.

  • “Today was hard.”

    The heavy feeling

    This shows up after a telling off, a spelling test that went wrong, or an argument with a friend.

  • “I don't like it when you go.”

    The missing-someone feeling

    This may echo how hard they are finding being separated from you at school — hence their clinginess at night, as you are about to leave.

Why school worries show up at bedtime

Going to school means being away from you. Going to bed also means being away from you. These two goodbyes can mix together, causing your child to feel worried. And in the quiet of bedtime, when play, food and distractions are done, any lingering worries from school may come to the forefront of their mind.

At 2–3, for children who go to nursery or a childminder, this might look like intense clinginess. At 4–5, children might say their tummy hurts, suddenly become scared of the dark, or refuse to go to school the next day. At 5–6, they may tell you more directly what they are worried about, such as getting things wrong at school or being told off.

What helps tonight

  1. Listen and help them find the words by asking gentle questions about their day. It is best to have this chat much earlier than bedtime, but if school worries do pop up then, reassure them that you will work through them together the next day. If it is a quick fix — like writing a note to the teacher about a missing book — let them know you are on it, so they can relax.

  2. Don't argue with their worry, even if it sounds like catastrophising. For example, if they say “No one likes me”:

    You could say: “That sounds like a lonely feeling. I am right here with you.”

    Once you have shown you have heard them, you can gently remind them of the friends they have outside of school who love them very much.

  3. Shift their focus away from anxiety and onto something happier before you wish them goodnight.

    You could say: “Was lunch nice? Did anyone do anything funny? Did you sing any songs?”

    Ending bedtime on a positive note restores balance and helps them see that school is not just one big problem.

  4. For a child going back to school, or starting for the first time, their worries can be balanced against the things that excite them — seeing or making friends, learning to read, school sports. Once worries have been truly heard, it leaves room for the good stuff to be considered.

Where this comes from. The butterfly hug combines comforting touch with mindful breathing and is a widely used self-soothing technique, developed by Lucina Artigas as a self-regulation tool for children — The Butterfly Hug in EMDR.

People also ask

If I talk over school worries at bedtime, will it stop my child from sleeping?

If children bottle up their worries, they are likely to feel tense or get a wobbly tummy, which will make it hard for them to sleep anyway. While it is best to have an earlier worry time, if worries do surface at bedtime they are better out than in. Keep the chat brief, let them know you have heard them, and reassure them that you will handle it together the next day.

How do I comfort my school-worried child at bedtime?

By staying calm and positive yourself, and offering a hug and a listening ear, your child will immediately begin to feel comforted. Maintaining a consistent bedtime routine — especially sharing a lovely story together — will work its magic too.

How can I help my upset child comfort themselves at bedtime and at school?

Teach your child how to give themselves a butterfly hug. It is a lovely way for them to comfort themselves when you aren't there, and it is something they can easily do at school too.

Put your arms across your chest like you are giving yourself a big hug. Place your hands on your shoulders. Tap your hands one after the other — left, right, left, right — like flapping wings. Take slow, deep breaths while you tap, until your body feels calm.

Why is my child worrying about school at bedtime?

They are likely thinking about going in the next day, which is why school comes back into their mind. Also, when it is quiet and dark and all distractions are gone, worries often bubble back up to the surface. And at bedtime they finally have your undivided attention.

Should I talk to my child's teacher about their school worries?

Worries about school, especially when it is new, are entirely normal. But if these are ongoing or get worse, it can be useful to alert your child's teacher and ask how they are settling.

Written for Zeepy by Becky Goddard-Hill, BACP-registered psychotherapist.This page is general guidance, not a substitute for advice about your own child.