Letting go

How to help your child let go of the day

Simple ways to help your child process the day's worries and feelings before bedtime.

Written by Becky Goddard-Hill, BACP-registered psychotherapist

Sometimes children just do not want to go to sleep — not because they are being difficult, but because they do not feel settled. This may be due to having unfinished play or projects, lingering worries, or big feelings still present. Settling to sleep may feel like letting go before they are ready.

Helping them to close the day by summing it up and acknowledging what lingers can be a useful way to help them release it, switch off and relax. A short conversation about what feels undealt with, and a plan to attend to it the next day, can stop their sleep resistance and bring comfort and reassurance.

Does tonight sound like this?

Attending to the feelings behind your child's words is important, as they might not tell you directly what they are thinking.

Your child might say:

  • “Today was hard.”

    The heavy feeling

    The day is weighing heavily on the child. They might not have the words for why, but they ‘feel’ it.

  • “I'm not tired.” “Just let me do this first…”

    The not-ready feeling

    The day feels incomplete and their mind is still whirling with unfinished thoughts or tasks.

Why letting go is hard at bedtime

The mind and body need to relax for sleep to occur, and for a child who has not let go of the day, this can be difficult. Their mind and body may still be on alert, both physically and mentally. They may be worrying about something that happened, feeling concerned about the next day, or simply wanting to finish their Lego project. This heightened state can make it much harder to settle into sleep.

Bedtime signals the end of the day, and if a child does not feel ready for it to end, they may become upset, frustrated or resistant. What looks like delaying bedtime can sometimes be a child struggling to switch from the activity and emotions of the day into a calmer state.

At 2–3, this may look like tantrums, tearfulness or repeatedly getting out of bed. At 4–5, it can look like procrastination and requests for you to stay nearby. At 5–6, it may show up as repeated reassurance-seeking questions.

What helps tonight

  1. A regular wind-down routine at bedtime enables your child to transition from a high state of alertness to a more settled and sleepy state in a predictable way. This calms both their mind and body and can be comforting and reassuring. Try not to be so rigid with your routine that they become inflexible, but do give it a familiar structure and time to help them recognise when the day is slowly drawing to a close.

  2. Give them a little time to talk through their worries, thoughts, feelings and frustrations, and let them know you have heard. If necessary, make a plan with them to deal with ‘unfinished’ business the next day with your support.

    You could say: “Let's think about that again tomorrow. Today is done and it is time to rest.”

  3. Reflect with your child on what went well during the day. This can help them turn their attention to more positive things. Leading on from this into a lovely story will fill their mind with more peaceful and happier thoughts.

Where this comes from. Health service guidance specifically recommends a calming, familiar bedtime routine to help children settle — Sleep and young children, NHS.

People also ask

What do I do if my child refuses to get into bed?

Procrastination is not always obstinate behaviour; sometimes it is unfinished business. Try asking your child what's on their mind. Sometimes just sharing a concern, and knowing you care and support them, will help them to emotionally regulate.

How do I get my child to calm down ready for bed?

Children tend to wind down slowly, so making time for the transition between day and night is important. Having a predictable sleep time and routine means this becomes both familiar and comforting. Books and bathtime, stories and snuggles all help.

What can I do if they want to keep playing?

Give them a 5–10 minute notice before encouraging them to pack away their game. Plan with them when they can play with it again. Move from that activity to something pleasant, such as a storybook, and let them choose it. This way they don't feel a complete lack of control, and they have something pleasant to do next.

How do I stop my child talking over and over about the same worry at bedtime?

A narrative loop is when the mind keeps returning to the same story, worry or thought without reaching a conclusion or feeling able to let it go. If your child is doing this, let them know you have truly heard them by paraphrasing their concern back to them.

You can't, and don't need to, solve every issue at bedtime, but this lets your child know you have heard them and understand. Reassure them you can talk about this again tomorrow and make a plan to do so. This will help them let the day go.

Why does my child keep asking questions at bedtime?

Often children ask questions at bedtime because they have your undivided attention and no distractions. Try to give them both of these things before bedtime, so they get their questions answered then and the attention they crave. This saves bedtime for relaxation and comfort, storytime and calming goodnight rituals.

Written for Zeepy by Becky Goddard-Hill, BACP-registered psychotherapist.This page is general guidance, not a substitute for advice about your own child.