Children get frustrated easily. They may feel that the picture they have drawn isn't quite right, they may not yet be able to tie their shoelaces despite practising ten times, or they might not have got the part they wanted in the school play. When you are little there is a lot you can't do yet, or can't control.
Frustration can show up as anger, disappointment or low mood. Children often need support to process frustration so that it doesn't knock their confidence or leave them feeling stuck in the disappointment.
At bedtime, big feelings often come to the surface. Your child may be more emotional and less able to think clearly when they are tired. See this as an opportunity to help them reset, reflect on what has happened during the day, and find a calmer way to end it.
Does tonight sound like this?
Rather than naming how they feel, children often talk about what has happened. It can be useful to listen for the feelings behind their words.
Your child might say:
-
“I can't do it.” “It won't work.”
The frustrated feelingThey want to be able to do something, but it isn't working the way they hoped.
-
“I didn't get picked.” “It broke.”
The disappointed feelingThey may feel upset about what has happened, or disappointed that things didn't go the way they wanted.
Try giving that feeling a name. Helping your child put words to their emotions can help them understand what they are feeling, and build the vocabulary they need to talk about their feelings in future.
Why frustration shows up at bedtime
When the day is coming to an end, your child may have no more opportunities to put right what has gone wrong. They can't have another go at drawing the perfect robot or tying their shoelaces, and the broken toy may not be fixed or replaced until tomorrow. These unfinished frustrations and disappointments can feel particularly difficult at bedtime. Your child is also tired, which can make it harder to manage big emotions and think clearly.
At 2–3, frustration can be demonstrated physically. Your child might cry, shout or throw something. At 4–5, they might repeatedly say “It's not fair!” and argue that they should be allowed to try again, or that you should fix it. At 5–6, they might tell you more clearly what went wrong, compare themselves with others, and say “I'm just rubbish” or “Everyone else can do it.”
What helps tonight
-
Let your child tell you what happened
Feeling heard and understood can help your child feel safe enough to move through their frustrated feelings, rather than needing to keep showing or telling you how they feel or what is wrong. Listen, acknowledge what happened, and give them space to talk about it.
-
Emphasise effort over achievement
Tell them how proud you are of how hard they tried and what a great attitude they showed. Point out any progress they did make, so they can see what they did achieve rather than focusing only on what didn't go to plan. Noticing their effort, persistence and problem-solving can help children build confidence around challenges.
You could say: “Great job trying so hard with your homework — you read three new words today.”
-
Encourage a growth mindset
When your child says “I can't do it,” try adding “yet.” Remind them that they can try again, practise, or try doing it a different way next time. It can be comforting for them to know that they are always able to grow, learn and develop new skills.
You could say: “You might not be able to shoot the basket yet, but we can practise again tomorrow if you like.”
Where this comes from. Mindfulness — noticing what is happening right now, without judging it — has been shown to help young children regulate their own attention, behaviour and emotions — Using Mindfulness-Based Interventions to Support Self-regulation in Young Children: A Review of the Literature.